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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Worse Day Ever

Well yesterday morning was literally the worse morning ever. My dh and I were cuddling in bed but he felt distant. I asked him if everything was okay and he said he didn't know. I asked what he meant and he kept saying he didn't know. Then he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I thought he meant right then and I said that was alright we didn't have to cuddle. He starts crying and says he means he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me. WHAT!?! I don't even know where that came from. He was quiet for a long time & I was trying to get him to talk. Finally he said that he just wasn't happy and wanted to get a divorce. Now, this is the same man that I write about all the time who takes such good care of me and seems to love me so much. I don't understand. We're still laying there, not all cuddled up though of course, and he won't even look at me. He says that he'd just not happy but won't tell me why. I ask what it is about our marriage or me that he likes and he says there is nothing he likes. I start crying, he's crying and we aren't talking. We lay there awhile.

Finally I start asking different things that I can change - cleaning better, get a job. He keeps saying that nothing will help and that it's over. He's crying through all of this though - just tears not really weeping hard. Then I realize it's probably about sex....just like always! I ask him if he feels way too much pressure from me. He starts bawling really, really hard. He could hardly even talk he was crying so hard. I asked a lot of questions about that - does he feel like I all I care about is sex & his d***, does he feel like no matter how much we do or what he does it is never good enough, does he worry that I have or I will cheat, does he feel like he's crumbling under the stress, does he love my body & the sex we have but because of the pressure he doesn't even want me, does he want a divorce because I'm making it impossible to continue the way it is. Each time I asked a question he'd start crying hard again and shake his head yes.

I said how sorry I was and how sad it was that I've made him feel that way. I begged him to give me and our marriage a chance. I told him I'd change. I was crying so hard. We were clinging to each other. He finally said that he'd give me a chance. We laid together for awhile after that. Each of us would cry off and on. Then he
told me he loved me. I started to cry when he said it and he said he really did love me but he needed some relief. He feels like his options are to either stay here and die of a heart attack from the pressure of trying to satisfy me or to just get a divorce. I told him I'd find a way to change. To still be me but to cut the pressure out. I told him that I'd rather live without sex than to live without him. So we cuddled alittle more, he ate lunch and had to leave for work. He didn't want to go and kept saying how much he loved me. It was sad.

So now I don't know what to do or how to proceed from here. He left for work and I was bawling my eyes out. I love him so much. I'm so ashamed of how I've been acting. I hate that I've hurt him so much. I hate that he questions his love for me or even my love for him. I'm sad. I'm also scared. I can't imagine not being married to him. We've been married since I was 19 and together since I was 16. That is a long time! He's my whole life. But I haven't been acting like it. I act as though sex is my whole life. That is my only focus. I need to fix this.

I know I need to fix the pressure and sex stuff. It's crunch time now. Either I fix it or I lose the best husband in the world. PERIOD! But I don't even know where to start. I also know that I have to keep my mouth shut. He isn't going to want to keep rehashing all of this. He's going to need me to be quiet and not go over it a million times. That is so hard for me. But actually facing a divorce in reality is ten million times harder.

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