Gosh, I'm even more frustrated today than yesterday. I'm really good at writing out what I should be doing here on my blog, but when push comes to shove it is almost impossible for me to put it into action! Bottom line.....I talk way, way, way too much!!!!! I need to just shut up. I always think that the best thing is for me to talk about my feelings, tell my DH what I am feeling & what I want, try to make him talk, try to make a plan of how things are going to be different. None of those things work with my DH though! You'd think I'd know that after all these years, and I suppose I am beginning to learn it, but it's hard to put into practice. He totally reacts better when I'm quiet and even a little withdrawn. I think he likes doing the "chasing" instead of me bugging him. Even though my intentions are always good he feels as though I'm just nagging him. Then the attention I am craving just feels like another thing on his to do list. I'm really frustrated with myself. I know how I need to act to get what I want but it is hard!
I guess, on the bright side, at least I do know how to act. For years I didn't put the two together. I thought he was pulling away because he didn't care. At least now I know that he just wants to pursue me. He wants me to be a challenge. It kinda feels like a game but if I want the attention and affection then I need to play along with the game!!!!
This morning I was feeling sad and lonely. I wanted to talk about it with him but that didn't go well at all. He shut down immediately, talked very shortly with me & even yelled a few times. He's usually not like that at all. Finally, after about the third time that he'd yelled at me I just walked away. I went outside, cried a little and calmed myself down. When I came back in he was watching tv. I fixed our lunch and basically acted like nothing had happened. While we were eating he kept glancing over at me like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking. After we ate, I gave him a hug, told him I didn't want to fight anymore and that I was finished trying to get him to be happy or understand what I was feeling. I also said that I didn't want to nag him anymore but I also refused to be yelled at. He said he wouldn't yell anymore & that he really missed me but was just stressed. We hugged some more and I think everything is a little better now. I just need to stick with the shutting up!!! Period!!
In some ways, by shutting up and letting him chose what he wants to do I am actually showing him respect. I'm being respectful of his tiredness, his need for rest, his stress about everything that needs done. And if I'm respectful (as well as cute and flirty!) he won't be able to resist me. He will find ways to be with me because he'll be missing me instead of find excuses to stay away from me because I feel like a job to him. I can do this!!
The New Me