I read a wonderful book quite a few years ago called "Surrendered Wife". It is probably one of the best marriage books I've ever read. Now, don't let the title turn you off. It really isn't about becoming a doormat in your relationship - I promise! It is about letting go of all the things you've been trying to control needlessly.
If you are anything like me, and I'd imagine a lot of you are, you've been making yourself crazy with trying to control every little thing in your relationship. It's hard to break those habits! Trust me....I've been trying to do it for many years. I will do a great job for a while and then the fear gets a hold of me. I feel as though I have to start controlling things to be sure they happen the way I want.
That is messed up thinking though! Honest! The times when I let go of the control and let my DH make decisions and choices for himself are always the best times in our marriage. You'd think I'd learn this after 20 years of marriage but even I have slip ups from time to time. As much as I hate to admit it, my slip ups usually come in regards to trying to control our sex/affection/intimacy levels in our relationship.
The best way to say it is that I become very needy and clingy. I have fallen into that pattern recently. I think it's because of all the changes - our empty nest, DD going off to college, DH's work schedule changing. That isn't an excuse though. I'm making things worse & pushing my husband away with my neediness!
He loves me, he loves to spend time with me, he loves to give me sex/affection, he loves my body....I could go on and on. But when I'm pushing so hard and clinging so tight he pulls away. I can't blame him! What man wants to be told to be affectionate or passionate with their wife? NONE! As a result, the things I fear (us drifting apart, not having as much affection/sex, feeling lonely) are happening. I want to change that!
So, starting today I am instituting a "Duct Tape Challenge" for the next 30 days! Laura Doyle, the author of Surrendered Wife, talks about mentally picturing duct tape on our mouths as a way of keeping quiet. I need to do that! For the next 30 days I will have duct tape figuratively on my mouth in regards to sex, affection, attention, time together....all those things. I will not talk, whine, cry, pout, hint, request, or demand any of them. I will keep my mouth shut and simply enjoy what he offers.
I honestly think at the end of my "Duct Tape Challenge" I will realize how much better things are. I know deep down that DH wants the same things in our marriage. He just wants to be the man about them. I will be documenting my progress here and would love if any of you want to join me! It can only improve your marriage and your happiness in general!
The New Me