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Saturday, August 20, 2011

I messed up today

Well, today was the big move in day for our DD.  We got her all moved into the dorm and she is sleeping there tonight.  I'm so proud of her & excited for what the future will bring.  She's a little scared, and worried about leaving us & home, but I think she's ready for the changes too.  It'll be a whole new life for her!

Unfortunately, I messed up tonight.  DH and I came back to the hotel.  We were both tired but I was wanting some affection from him.  Instead of just asking for it, which is what I should have done, instead I started whining and nagging at him.  I went on and on.  He was so tired and really didn't want to listen to it.  Which, of course, just made things worse.

I kept saying that I was afraid we were going to become like every other couple we know and barely even be affectionate with each other.  I insisted on him holding me, then complained when he did because I said he wasn't doing it right.  I went on and on.  It was like I just couldn't make myself stop.  Crazy!  Of course, he got frustrated with me.  He tried to be nice and reassuring but I wouldn't shut up.  We didn't really fight and he was nice the whole time but it was so obvious that he was irritated with me.  He eventually fell asleep.

Now I'm feeling guilty and mad at myself.  Why do I do this?  Why can't I just be quiet?  Why can't I just trust that he loves me and my body?  Why do I have to push him and pester him?  Why can't I just do what I say I want to do and give him the space to come to me?  Why am I so afraid that we're going to become boring?  Then I almost make it happen by nagging him so much that he doesn't find me attractive at all.  Why?  Why can't I just realize that the more I "talk" (which is code for nag & pester) the less he wants me?

I realized, too late of course, but I did realize that I'm making the thing I fear so much actually happen with all my insecurity.  I'm pushing him away when I really want to draw him near to me.  When will I ever learn?  I need to learn soon because it's crunch time.  DD is at college and we're going to be home alone.  If I keep this up we are never going to be affectionate and cuddly. We will hardly ever be intimate and we will become as boring as all the other couples we know.

But if I could just learn & put into practice a new way then things will be amazing.  I need to trust that he finds me irresistible when I'm flirty and fun.  I need to trust that he is turned on by my body.  I need to realize that my body is the thing that will make him want to be close, cuddly, affectionate and sexy with me.  NOT my nagging and pestering!

Tomorrow is a new day and I pray that I can put these things into practice.  It's so hard though!  It's scary to be sexy acting when he is tired or withdrawn.  What if he doesn't react the way I hope he will?  But what I need to remember is that I have a much better chance of the outcome I want if I act sexy and alluring than if I nag and pester!  Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I do better!

Bye,
The New Me

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