Eye Opening Jealousy

Gosh, I'm in a bad place right now and I don't like it!  A little background first, I hate to admit it but I've been terrible about flirting and checking out guys.  It's something I've done since I was a teenager. It's fun!  But I've recently found out that it really bugs my husband.  Since then I've really been trying to stop.  I'd say I'm doing pretty well but it is a constant struggle.

Well, this morning I got a little taste of what my husband must have been feeling all these years.  Actually, if I'm being honest, what he did is NOTHING compared to the things I've done.  Anyway, we were at the grocery store today.  Everything was going great, he was being fun & flirty with me, he kept telling me how cute I was and so on.  Then we got to the front of the store and he started looking all around at the cashiers.  I got jealous immediately!  And as a result he got stubborn and distant immediately!

Now, let me explain, there is a girl that works there who he's known for years.  He used to work with both her and her husband, who are now divorced.  She's nice but I just have an uncomfortable feeling about her.  I feel like there is something there with my husband.  Not that anything has happened, I really don't think he'd ever do anything like that, just that he's interested in her.  I'll be honest - I don't even know if it's just that he thinks she's nice or if it's more than that - but it makes me uncomfortable.

We've talked about it in the past & he's totally reassured me.  He says there isn't anything there and that he only wants me.  He never flirts or even looks twice at a girl.  He's constantly telling me how gorgeous and hot he thinks I am.  He loves me so much.  But still.....I'm jealous.

Basically after that happened in the store he has been distant and grumpy.  I've been distant and grumpy.  We argued about it a little when we got home. He thinks I'm being silly and it makes him mad because I've always been the one that flirted.  I feel sad and jealous still because he's being too stubborn to say the things to make me feel better.  I want to hear all the lovey stuff and he's refusing to do it.

I know I'm being silly.  I know that he loves me so much and doesn't want anyone but me. I shouldn't be mad.  I shouldn't feel threatened.  But I do and I wish he'd make me feel better instead of being mad at me.  Of course, the more I bug him the more he pulls away.  I need to just be quiet and wait.

This whole thing has been very eye opening though.  I can't even imagine how he's felt all these years!  I feel so bad about how I've acted.  I have flirted and checked people out all the time.  I'm sure he's felt like I'm feeling right now.  He's actually probably felt a lot worse than this.  I'd even imagine, as much as I hate to admit it, he's probably even wondered if I've ever cheated or if I ever would.  That makes me so sad.  I feel so bad about that!!!  Not that I've ever done anything like that but I still feel bad that he would even question me.

I have decided that I am done with those kind of behaviors!!  Period!  No more flirting with anyone but wonderful, wonderful husband!!

Bye,
The New Me